Soul Talk

09

yissochardov — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 19:42:13 +0000

Ribono shel olam, I hereby give up all my worries to you as a korbon. I want the world to be a better place. I’m of a unique kind who has a vision and therefore it pains me deeply. I’m looking around and I can’t see a real person with true vision, strength, love, and feeling. There was one but he’s gone, now who can stand in his place, pick up where he left off? Finish where he ended? Because truthfully there is so much potential, people are so hungry, even those absorbed in the society of illusional fullness. The yeshivah students in this generation, the young ones, are starving and if they would have a shepherd like himself, they would be given strength to unite and change things. But now who can stand in his place, when the memshala is in the hands of the leaders who give the thirsty salt to drink. Who can stand up in this time of need, who can stand up with or against the giants who have dominion passed down as an inheritance. Who, with a heart, with a mind, with a vision can sway massive iron pillars? Who? I ask. There must be someone. G-d, hachonen l’adam da’as, grant da’as, true knowledge and understanding, to those of pure heart, so they can have the weapons needed to win Your battle. Why is it that the outside people have the minds and the memory? Why is it that for the most part those who have a mind are lacking a heart and a neshamah? Why is it that according to the greatness of the mind is the smallness of the heart? Can’t they go hand in hand? Please, Ribono Shel Olam, this world is Yours it’s not ours, please Ribono Shel Olam, do something, change the tide. And I see a shift, slowly slowly the world is shifting, those were his words before he left, slowly slowly the world is changing. If America is now electing liberal presidents, ze l’umat ze, it must be happening here also. No longer will everyone be so cold. Though their definition of liberalism is allowing terrorists destroy the world, it is an open gate to true liberalism, to allow heartfelt people fix the world. I believe that sooner or later we will all stream out to the streets, dancing, without any fear, without any false barriers. I believe the day will come, it must. I just hope and pray that I will have to courage to lead when the time is right, and not just wait behind till I am sure that everyone is really moving. Truthfully, I’m going with the flow, I began the dance and no one followed, it was humiliating, so now I shut off the music though it’s still playing in my head, now I’ve joined the sunken dwellers on the dirty floor outside, dead souls, and I’m waiting patiently for some sparks, any sign of life within, then I’ll jump up and say That’s Right!, we can do it, I believe, and I hope others will soon follow and not just gaze with those forlorn distant eyes, I hope we can fan some coals that have died covered in ash, I hope we can blow those coals and bring them once again to life, for no matter how dead it seems, underneath, deep deep down, its burning strong, waiting to be fanned waiting to be stirred, but no one can get near to them, there is a thick deadness all around, a deadly cold air surrounds them all, and it’s contagious, anyone who comes close, gets cooled and broken down, they zap away your strength, suck out all your juices, till you’re lying there just like them. But I’m a little different, you gave me a fire that can’t be put out, an aish sheli is burning, desperately seeking to attach and spread to others, but no one is catching on, and I’m keeping all of it within, like a burning red hot coal, anything that reaches in will ignite, but no one gets too close, for the world has already warned, “keep your distance from each other, keep your distance from yourselves, shomor m’rachok, every bumper sticker says, don’t open up, not at all”. So now everyone is a loner, yes there is friendship, but its fake, you hear so many stories, but its skin deep if at all, truthfully however, one touch within will change the world, but how, how, how, how, how, how, do we make it happen, how do we open up these heavy duty old rusty locks, bolted like this since forever, keeping treasures deep within, afraid of outside touch, influence and pain, afraid that if they share it will diminish and nothing will be left. But they fail to realize its power, it’s a fire that can only spread upon contact, the more it goes out the greater it becomes, but the more you close it in the smaller it gets, and you think you’re saving the world, guarding torah for generations, but in truth you’re just preventing its natural expansion, it will flow inside all things, bringing life to where never was, but now you’re keeping it for yourselves, an exclusive privileged community, but you’re stealing life from those who need it, who gave you this right, it does not belong to you, hachochma l’elokim hu, and He granted it to all, every second it is held away is another second it could of spread, another life it would enliven, bounds and bounds it would have grown, and you’re depriving yourselves as well, for as long as it is kept away from its natural growth, it loses its true splendor, words without meaning, a body without a soul, you are starving your own children with lavish banquets filled with air. And this is what you are disseminating in your tall square brick buildings, deadness, a drug that drains out all life, lo zacha = sam mavesh, why? Because you don’t see, you never really trusted it on your own, it is still in the same old package that you received from those before you, never touched, never opened, you never dared truly exploring its contents, only observed it from the outside, preserving it for generations, and every generation adds another layer of dust, until its attractiveness is completely lost, it can only be force fed in whole, but no one really wants to take it in, because it’s very hard to swallow, but it can be “upheld and preserved,” because this intricate system of fear is very firmly in place, with threats of “no shidduch,” of no respect from friends and family, of being an outcast, a loser, not able to live up to par, of not being accepted into society, of not becoming “something, ” so some of them give in, it seems like the easiest way, and at this point it’s already hard to think for oneself, and they take this grand big prize raise it onto their shoulders, and begin the heavy effort of carrying the burden to the next generation, and the cycle begins again, but if you have a “big head” you can become an adam gadol, a talmid chocham so people will respect you, so you will become “something big,” or there is also a threat of hell, and a reward of heaven which impel people to follow suit, but it is fake, it is fake, it is fake, it doesn’t come from within, it’s a system based on nothing. People are afraid to be real, they feel its “wrong,” because the “system” tells them so. Oy veh oy veh oy veh whats going to be? Where are we headed?

But as I mentioned already things are changing, people are starting not to listen, the system is falling apart, the frum world is in a uproar about it, “what will we do? What will we do?” sooner or later they will see, it was the breaking before the fixing, for a structure which was built with shaky foundations a superficial fixing won’t suffice, it must be demolished and built again, from scratch, and that is what is happening, people will be hysterical about it, but Hashem is running the show, He knows what He is doing, and everything will be fine, redemption will come, “az yimalei sechok pinu” for all the destruction was part of the building, the rebuilders have taken over a long time ago, first come the bulldozers, the hysteria was for nothing, it was really good all along, “hayinu kcholmin”, we were just like dreamers living a world of illusion, but now somehow we snapped out of it, and see the way it really is, perfect, perfect, outright perfect, we will thank You with all our hearts. Thank You Hashem, let it be now.

“li’eila u’li’eilah, mi’kal bir’chata vi’shirata, tush’bichata vi’nechamata, da’amiran bi’olma…

5-19-09

yissochardov — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 20:57:36 +0000

Ribono Shel Olam,

Please help me. I have nothing. I don’t have a life, I have nothing to live for, I don’t know where to go, I don’t know where to turn, and I have no strength. This life of mine is wasted on hevel varik, day in and day out, and I don’t see any way of escaping it. Help me Ribono shel olam, help me. Only You have all the answers, k’heref ayin, and I’m still waiting for that moment, I’m setill waiting for the miracle. Its the only thing that keeps me going. Without this faith, which I am barely hanging on to everyday, I would have given up a long time ago. But please, how much alonger can I hold on? I’m holding on for dear life, and I feel like I’m falling, sometimes I feel like I fell only afterwards to reralize I’m still holding on to something. What is the tafkid of me hanging all my life? Is it to test this emunah? Is that my tachlis? And I have no one to talk to and I’ve forgotten the words due to not talking, they’ve become rusty, and I’m forgetting the feeling, what it feels like to live, I’m losing motivation, every day a little more I find myself giving up on. Who knows if soon I will be lift with anything. Maybe I’ll be the robot they want me to be. Maybe I’ll lose sight of all that there is to live for. Where is my place in heaven? With who do I sit? I am not like those batlanim who have no desire for anything, and have no good will, and I am not like those tzaddikim who all day are serving You and overcoming all mani’os. So where am I? Am I just a lost soul, just like I have no place in this world, do I have no place in the next? Or is there something I am not yet grasping? Please help me!

4-20-09 I’m in the same place

yissochardov — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 20:56:06 +0000

I’m in the same place all over again, revisiting those places i’ve worked painfully to move on from. This time i’m a different person, but i’m exactly the same, making the same mistakes, with the same fears and same obstacles. I’ve come a long way since then but i’ve budged maybe an inch. A long journey it was to take a half step foward. Maybe i’ve gained something, i won’t allow myself to believe it was all for nothing. That is thier talk, i try not to allow it to enter. Life is a very narrow bridge, you are essentially good, just don’t fear walking the tightrope and falling at times but catching yourself from falling to the abyss. You’ve achieved more than you can possibly imagine, don’t let the thoughts tell you different. This revisiting is somehow doing more of a fixing than the running in opposite directions, believe it or not, even if it causes slipping. Real fixing requires returning to those very places of damage, getting into the grime and fixing at the source. But how do you fix? By being faced with the same tests and passing. But how is it possible to face the same tests if you are a different person? Therefore you temporarily became who you were, therefore your vision was blocked. But how can you take the same test if the test only comes about due to a failing of a prior one? Therefore you failed. If you become the exact same person in the exact same situation, how is it possible to pass what you failed before? It’s all about the effort, the mindset, and how much you fight. And all the determination you gained in your running away, you are using to fight with those who killed you, and even though it seems like you are just going back for a second beating, your caring is what wins, your heart makes you victorious, that very determination that all those years built within you is the very thing which decides between victory and defeat, between fixing and brokeness. Thank you g-d, even though i am blind i think i see you, and that thought is enough to keep me going.

11-30-08

yissochardov — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 20:52:04 +0000

Ribono shel olam, gather in to my cry, come in to my pain, and shed light. For You love me, and your love is never ending. Give me the right words to speak my heart out to you, give me the right heart to be subservient to you. Let me leave go of everything, putting it solely in your hands. For only you have the ability to effect the outcome of things in this world, from the greatest thing to the smallest thing it is ONLY in your hands, no one else has the ability to move a pinky without you willing it for them. Therefore, Master of All Things, I turn to you to turn me to you in every aspectof my being. Let me not believe in anything but you. Help me believe with pure and perfect faith even if a gun is drawn towards me by someone who’s only desire is to kill me, even if he pushes the trigger and the bullet comes out at me, help me believe with pure faith, there is nothing but you, and help me never be afraid. And you will do whats in your will to do like you always do, and if you want the bullet to stop it will, and if you want it to turn back in its shooter it will, whatever you will it it will do, and if you want it to go into me, help me always remember clearly, its not the bullet, its not the person who shot it, its you, only you. Help me reach the level where I can allow myself to be sliced up with a sharp blade piece by piece and stabbed fiercely repeatedly, while never for a blinking instinct lose the slightest faith in you.

When I face people help me see clearly that I am only facing you, help me feel your love and acceptance always. Shivisi Hashem linegdi tamid, let me never ever forget. And even if someone says or does something against me, let me never forget, its not them its you, only you. This way I will never be afraid, I will never be scared, and i will never be worried.

Ribono shel olam, tika bishofer gadol, this world, how its yearning for you more than ever deep down, its boiling up like a valcano, preparing to burst out and change the face of the earth.

What does it mean to talk in torah? To be.

I’ve swayed from this path.

But how can a person be if he has no one to be with? If no one around him is being?

If everyone is focused on externalities.

For how long will i be alone in this world?

How can i spread light if i’m so broken myself?

How can i be if no one alows me?

Its time to change.

Help me.

11-11-08

yissochardov — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 20:50:59 +0000

Ribono shel olam, ribono shel olam, ribono shel olam, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I don’;t know, i just don’t know, i don’t know how to direct myself.

Let me first thank you.

Thank you ribono shel olam for giving me this place in the world, a place of torah. Even through all the klipos that surround everything good and do all they can to prevent a person from attaining anything good, through all that you guide me, you held me strong so i can go after the goal without looking left or right. Thank you.

Though you direct me constantly and guide me, leading me to the place i need to go, i don;t know, i’m a little bit confused. On the one hand i need to learn, dedicate myself to torah completely, like i was told in the dream, “al yidei hatorah zochin l’hakol”. On the other hand i need to talk to you always to straighten things out, in my life, to have a connection to you, not to be always stuck in the means and forsaking the ends. I want to reach the level to be zocheh to toras hashem mamash, and to tefilas hashem mamash, to make myself like ain mamash, to be nichlal in the ain-sof mamash. And i know i need to learn learn learn, but truthfully i need to daven, learn, daven. Because “someone who says all they have is torah, they don’t even have torah”. I need to be connected to you truthfully, i need to mamash have a real relationship with you, without anything in between, adaraba, to bring everything into the ain sof relationship, so everything and everyone can interact in harmony in your great love for them. But truthfully there is this thing called torah, and there is this thing called breaking the hard klipos, and there is this thing callled, if you dont do it and put all your effort into it you wont get anywhere, but theres this thing called, if the whole day your cracking nuts you’ll never get to eat it, and theres this thing called, schar mitzvah mitzvah, and theres this thing called lishma, and theres this thing called, connect yourself with whats happening in the world, and theres this thing called, do hisbodedus 24/7 and be alone always, the world doesn’t exist, just Hashem, and theres this thing called, do hisbodedus an hour a day in nature, and theres this thing called, do it in middle of the night, and theres this thing called, do tikun chatzos, and theres this thing called, just do what you feel is right, and theres this thing called, whatever is easy for you shows that you are not meant to do it, only do what is hard, and theres this thing called, a person does not learn anything other than what his heart is pulled towards, and theres this thing called, the way to know what your tafkid is, listen to what your neshama your heart is telling you, and theres this thing called, seek out a rav and subjugate yourself to him, doing everything he says, ask him what to do about every little thing, and theres this thing called “ase licha rav” make yourself into a rav, and theres this thing called, love every single jew like yourself, only look at the good points and that will raise them up, and theres this thing called, stay away from those who can negatively influince you, and theres this thing called, talmid chocham sheid yehudi, and theres this thing called, accept all rabanim, don;t enter into machlokis, and theres this thing called, serve hashem even in the dark places, “choose for yourself a place, sit there and yearn to get the shchina out,” and theres this thing called be mitaken by putting yourself into the heart of the place that needs tikun, the heart of the problem and there fix, and theres this thing called, if you sit alone serving hashem with all your heart, with that you fix the world, and theres this thing called, don’t push anything, and theres this thing called, listen to your wife, and theres this thing called stand strong with what you know is right and she will follow, and theres this thing called, just do what you think is right no matter who tries to prevent you, “echad haya avraham,” and theres this thing called, be achzari like a raven, and theres this thing called, just give yourself to your family, loving them, helping them, and doing all they ask of yoiu, and theres this thing called, “hashlech al hashem yihovcha vihu yichalkelecha”, and theres this thing called, i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know, and theres this thing called, tachlis hayedia asher lo neida, and theres this thing called, ask hashem for eitzos about everything, and theres this thing called, look for the hints in everything, and theres this thing called confusion, and theres are many other things called many other things which arent coming to me right now but come to me throughout all ours of the day, confusing my mind and driving me crazy. Do You see why I’m confised? And its all because i want to do right, or so i say to myself, its all for good reasons, i just need help, i just need help, i just need help, so I’m turning to you, and thats the one eitza that can’ be wrong, nothing bad can come out of turning to You. What about bitul torah? Well if I turn to you in truth its not bitul torah, but what if i dont know how to turn in truth? What if at this moment it isn’t happening, should i just give up and go back to learning? But theres this thing called, sometimes davka when you think its not working it is, and when you think it is it isn’t, so how am I to know? And theres this thing called, there are many good things you can choose from but the main thing is “rachmana liba baei”, and theres this thing called, even if you cant feel it in hisbodedus just keep on trying, somethimes two hours and sometimes three hours, sometimes in silence if the true words arent coming, and theres this thing called “ivdu es hashem bisimcha”, if its making you depressed its better not to do it, and theres this thing called, its just the sitra achar and you need to be misgaber over it. Just like in halacha we have all these seemingly contradicting things, and all these seemingly unrelating things and somehow you have to make sense of all of it or be machria between them, so please help me ribono shel olam, please help me cry out to you in truth when I’m stuck on torah and I don’t understand, and when I’m stuck on life and I don’t understand help me remember its torah and cry out to you as welll. And theres this thing called, dont think about yourself, be like ain (torah 22 at end). Anyways ribono shel olam, this is what I am asking you for, and this is what I am telling You, my will is to do your will, please please help me. Clear my mind. Tein bonu eitza tova. Visakneinu b’eitza tova milfanecha. Amen.

11-04-08

yissochardov — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 20:49:22 +0000

Ribono Shel Olam,

Hello.

You are standing right here in front of me.

I know I have to begin thanking you before I can begin asking you of things.

Truthfully, there is so much to be grateful for, just I usually don’t put emphasis on those things. This is something I need to change. You guide me, you lead me in every direction I go. Sometimes I think its me making these choices, traveling these paths, in truth its You, only You, and please help me never forget that. You brought me here. You lead me here. You keep me here for as long as you seem fit. You place in front of me all of these things, everything that is meant to come to be comes to me. Whatever place I find myself in, whatever people I come in contact with, whatever words they speak to me, for good or for bad, its call You, only You, help me never forget it. Help me never be afraid of anyone, its a yirah nifula, its avoda zarah. Fix me. Ribono shel olam. You brought me only to good places and i’m only depressed all the time. How that is a spit in the face kiv’yachal. Help me be happy with where I am always. Help me praise you with all my heart always. Help me always see all the good you do for me, even if it seems bad, help me see it as good, even if my wife and everyone think I’m crazy and can’t stand it that I’m only seeing good and not being “realistic” let it not phase me at all. At all. Being sad and not liking the place You put me is a slap in the face, kiviyachol, i want to stop this now. I love You. And i want to do anything for You. I’m just stuck in the mud, in this bitter spirit I suround myself with. Get me out of it. Get me out. Just like you are the one that brings me to all the places I find myself in this world and you bring me out when the time is right. So too, take me out of this spiritual garbage can i find myself in. Because You don’t like it, and I don’t either. Therefore I beg You, lift me lift me lift me, unveil my eyes so I can see Your goodness everywhere, so I can thank You for real, so I can serve You without fear. So i can once allow myself to live. So i can be. Its the yisod of everything, its the number one thing, its the first of the first of everything, this basic thing that I need Your help with. Without it i can’t even start anything, i can’t begin to begin. I can’t even think, i’m just stuck in a cage. I’m just withering away. But i know, yes I believe, that even in this place i find myself, i still, nevertheless never stopped even for a split moment, deep down, having sha’ashu’in with You, on the deepest most truest level. I never stopped sharing in Your delight. I never stopped singing Your praises. However, after all this, the tachlis is still in the revealed world, inwardly everything was, is and always will be perfect. But the reason You created all this is so that we can bring it out outwardly as well. The way to do it, i know, is to tap into the inwardness which already is there, and from there draw it out. So that is what I can trying to do now. “lizkor b’olma d’asi”, where everything is perfect and everything is sweet, everyday should begin with this awareness in order that everything a person does that day should be imbued with the light of the true world, to reflect its truth outwardly, to see Your hints, Your guidance, and Your preciousness everywhere.

So here, i’m begining a path of limud, please, may it always be lishma. Please help me always extract truth from whatever I learn, help always be an anov, b’tachlis ha’anava, and let me never chas v’shalom have an inkling of talmid chacham shed yehudi within me, let me not be ensnaled by thier trap. Help me always be connected to the tzaddik like flesh is connected to the bone, and help to destroy the arragance of my body, by listening to his guidance. Help me be like basar which is m’vashel k’dei klipah, help me believe in this chiddush, believe that its real, believe that its really happening, and help me see it happening always.

Thank you thank you, thank you.

10-12-08

yissochardov — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 20:48:16 +0000

Ribono Shel Olam, Help me find truth. For I am so lost. I am so pained by my reality. By where i stand. I see on the one hand, and i hear. That whats important is to have fear, and to do everything you are told, and to follow the flow. To be an intelectual like everyone else. Not to focus too much on depth, but to look at the outer appearance of things, to be an outside person like everyone else. But my insides SCREAM, this is the worst kind of torture, but is it true? Maybe I need to go through this to change myself, but deep down its a joke, I know, I’m just following the motions but don’t really believe it is my path, I have found other motives within it, which are hard to follow but I try, its what keeps me going. I even hear from those I feel a soul connection with, those I can want to follow, that these are the correct steps. But my insides are still screaming. And then, I open up the book, the one that gave me life, the one that only brought be to these “leaders,” and it screams with me a big loud NO!, follow yourself it says, you know whats right, don’t be blinded by the world, hold out strongly, be a warrior, you know the truth, just live it. And I want to, I really do, but I look around and I’m still in this place, How can I dance alone in a house of mouners? How can I hug those with sharp judding swords sticking out from all sides? But why am I afraid to live? Who cares what they think? Just be! And let them shoot arrows, ignore it, its your gems, its balls of light, its gifts from above, every single one contains all the hidden goodness which you seek. Ignore the world! Be you! Echad haya! You read it all the time, you preach it, you believe it, so why cant you live it? I’m just afraid. Afraid of being alone, afraid of losing my close ones, afraid of making mistakes. And I hate myself for this fear, I know its wrong. But i can’t bring myself to live inline with this knowledge. I feel people thoughts on me and its mostly in my head, I feel thier judgments but its my inagination and its killing me at all moments. I don’t have to strength to be mean, which in this day and age means to be strong. I am from the side of chesed, I cannot stand strong against the tide, but I can duck under and let it pass, but its lonely. You Hashem know what it means to be alone. What it means to have infinite potential wasted. What it is to wait for people to search you out, but instead they are fighting. Why do I have these illusions in my head, how can I change them? How can I begin to stop worrying all the time? How can I begin to stop caring? Its eating me up inside. Its killing me. And i know the truth, which hurts me even more. I’m angry at myself for feeling this way. Find me a way out please, you are inside me, and you share my pain.

3-25-08

yissochardov — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 20:47:22 +0000

What can I say?

I guess this is the life you want for me.

What can I do?

How can I brazenly decide that its not good for me?

How can obnoxiously get depressed about it?

Hatov umativ lakol tamid

But please give me the strength to lean foward always, like a football player after taking a handoff leaning foward always and pushing foward so that whenever there is an opening he gains some ground, if the small opening opens to the endzone he will run all the way, but if a split second after he goes through one small opening he is tackeled by another mob, nevertheless he won’t give up on those feet or two that he gained through darting foward. And this is his way constantly, mind focused on the goal, not letting the obstacles discourage him, being happy with the small gains while always being ready and prepared to dart to the goalline when given the first opportunity. So let me be.

Ribono Shel Olam, you are one and you are all, you are love. I am always complaining, I’m just a complainer all my life. And you are so infinitely good always. I feel terrible about the way I act towards you, the way I mistreat you, the way I mistrust you. My depression is a sign that I’m not happy about the life you choose for me. That I don’t believe in your infinite love for me, that I don’t agree with your choices which are perfect beyond comprehension, and I in my arragont stupidity think that I can choose a better life for myself if it would be up to me. How sick, how pathetic.

3-13-08

yissochardov — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 20:46:24 +0000

Ribono Shel Olam,

I know I’m not worthy of anything.

I know I’m a hypocrit and a faker.

I know I try to fool myself that I really want to be good and that i really want to serve you, but really all I want is the easy way out.

All I want is an easy pleasurable life.

And I’m just a complainer, I complain about everything. And I’m ungrateful for everything you give me.

I keep fooling myself and lying to you, saying that if you would take away my tzaros I would serve you better. But time and time again you’ve shown me that I’m a lyer and a theif. I steal da’as elyon, always when I say one thing with my mouth and mean another thing in my heart.

But even after all this, Ribono Shel Olam, after I’ve reached the lowest of the low and theres no place lower to go, and I yell at you and complain to you “GIVE ME TIME!” I say, “I just want to serve you, I can’t take this anymore” and then after all these years of yelling and complaining, when you finaly give me time, what do I do with it? Not only do I waste it, not only do I not serve you with it, but I go against you with it, time and time again, I do the very thing that got me into this mess to begin with. This shows that my teshuva was fake, I haven’t even began yet. I just keep doing the same thibgs, bringing more and more evil upon myself, but not only evil of these horibble sins that I do, but evil of not being honest with you, evil of not being honest with myself, evil if abusing the piwer of tefilla, b/c all me tefilla is fake, I say “give me this, give me that, I promise to be better, why are you causing me so much suffering, I just want to do good,” and it’s all big fat lies, one after another, I just want the easy way out, b/c right after such a heartfelt prayer I turn around and betray you, betray myself, I’m a fool and a lyer, and I never met anyone as lazy ad me, it’s hard for me to live with myself, it’s hard for me to face reality. But Ribono Shel Olam, You’re still there You’re still waiting for me to be real, to come back in truth. And even while I’m saying this I have thiughts of pride inside me, thoughts of “wow, look at these words that are coming out of me, look how sweet and flowing,” I can’t have a decent honest feeking, a decent honest word anymore. I’m so full of pride, I’m so full of “look at who I am, look at who I was, look at those levels I’ve reached. The whole world is like blind people compaired to me, I’m the only one who knows the truth, I’m the only obe who sees clearly, I’m the only one who knows how to daven, who knows how to learn how to serve Hashem, the rest of the world is running around like chickens without a head.” Maybe You have shown me something in the past, that doesn’t make me better than others, that just gives me more of a responsibility, and not only do I not live up to my respinsibilities, I do worse than those people who havent been shown these things, so what am I good for? What am I good for? At this stage I would be better off being an average sinner, at leadt then I’ll have somewhat of an excuse, ‘I don’t feel things, I don’t see things,’ but now I don’t have those excuses, now I’m worse than a ben sorer umorah, and I deserve worse of a punishment than the whole community takung me out to town center and taking turn stoning me till I do, that would be a reward for me, but I’m not even worthy of that, I’m not even worthy of that kapara. So where do I go from here, what do I do? I’ve asked and I’ve asked and I’ve asked but I don’t know how, what use is there of me asking things when I’ve abused my rights, where can it possibly get me? I am responsible, I need to get myself out of this. And I know of course that even here and even now and always no matter what all the strength I have to do things come from You, and You are forever having compassion and infinite pateince and allowing me to work my way out, but In need to be the one with the wilpower, you can take me to the door, you can even open it for me, but You are not going to step inside for me, that I need to do, so to speak, on my own, even though you will be the luvung force behind my every move. You will be and you always are. So,

רתסא הנח ןב בד רכששי,

I’m talking to you now, WAKE UP! Begin to live. Even though it’s hard, just do it! Constantly! Do it! That’s it! Enough laziness, enough games, you know whats needed to be done, now just do it! You’re in a war, you snooze you loose, just do it!niw, and forever! WAKE UP!

Thank you

3-11-08

yissochardov — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 20:44:37 +0000

Ribono Shel Olam,

Why?!

I know it’s a question alot of people ask, but i’m asking it from a different place, i think.

WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Why was I placed here?

What is my purpose here?

How am I meant to proceed?

It’s driving me crazy.

It’s tearing the life out of me.

Any juice I have left is being sucked from me.

I’m left dry and washed out and I don’t know which way to turn.

I don’t even feel like I have you to consult with anymore,

Because my deeds, thoughts and feelings have distanced me from you.

But I know even down here you are imbued throughout.

Therefore I have the will to write this to you.

Though I don’t see answers I know it’s being heard.

I know it’s being processed, somehow it’s having an effect.